fifty stupid shades

so, i've been terrible about reading... my new years resolution is out the window, but saige got me a kindle for my bday (i could do a whole post on my feelings about e-readers, but that's for another day friends) and i'm trying to get back on reading track. my first kindle book was the much discussed "mommy porn" fifty shades of grey. well, i could give you fifty reasons why i hated this book. it is the worst book that i have read in a long, long time. why in the world has this book gotten so much attention? anyways... below is my review (really just some thoughts), there might be spoilers... i don't know, there is no real plot, so it doesn't really matter. 

let me start by telling you my biggest book pet peeve... when authors don't take the time to learn about their own characters. if you are going to write a book about a 40 year old married woman in the 1970's... then you better go talk with someone who fits that profile. this book takes place in 2011, and the main character is in her early twenties, about to graduate from college. but she doesn't talk like that... and she doesn't act like that... and she doesn't have an email address!!! you can not even be enrolled in college without an email address. this is the main character of the book! do ten seconds of research on current day college grads. go hang out with a college aged person... and realize how off your character is and fix it! 


so... the sex scenes. yes, so scandalous. i guess. except... if you have read one of them, you have read them all. they seriously felt copied and pasted. by the end of the book, i just felt annoyed that they were having sex AGAIN and doing nothing to move the plot forward. 


i feel so nervous for teen girls reading this book. what is going on lately with these weak girls obsessed with their male counterpart in totally unhealthy ways? if you thought twilight was bad... this is one million times worse. maybe one billion. the male lead is a total creeper and the girl (who goes into this wacko relationship a prudie mcpruderson virgin) just takes the crazy. she can't look him in the eyes during sex, or touch him, or use his name... oh, and he hits her. so, that's good. i haven't read the other two books in this series, but i am willing to wager that the creeper is going to be changed by the girl... because he loves her so much. um, that does not happen in real life. if your boyfriend hits you because it makes him feel good... that's bad. very bad. just writing this down is making me feel stressed about it. again... why do people like this book?!


i feel like everybody i know who has read this book, thought it was good. i disagree. i wouldn't recommend it. i know people are going to read this and go read the book because of what i wrote. that's okay... tell me what you think. i really am interested. also, somebody tell me how the series ends because i seriously can't deal with two more books. oh! also the author never uses appropriate terms for genitals. she calls it her "sex". really? in an erotica novel? just... it's too much. 

january book review

fairy tale . the invention of hugo cabret . the absolutely true story of a part-time indian . the night circus . witch & wizard . crazy love

 fairy tale

by cyn balog

here’s the gist: a girl in high school has this incredibly good looking, super athletic, perfect boyfriend, who is just so much better than her. (hey? have i already read this story… cough cough… twilight.) turns out he is not so perfect though because he is actually an abandoned fairy from a mystical fairy land. really. the fairies want him back in fairy land and drama ensues.

here’s my opinion, if i may: of course this book was cheesy. the cheesiest. there was a twist ending, that of course was really no twist at all because you know how things are going to end up long before they end up that way. the writing was okay, but not great.

should you read it? probs not.

 the invention of hugo cabret

by brian selznick

here’s the gist: a young boy is orphaned and sent to live with his uncle who lives in the framework of a train station taking care of the clocks. then the uncle disappears and the above mentioned young man starts taking care of the clocks because he is good at stuff like that. also, he is trying to put this little robot writing man thing together that his dad was working on. also, a girl is helping him, kind of. then some more things happen.

here’s my opinion, if i may:  this book was a quick read… like an hour. mostly this is because half of the book is pictures. you could definitely read it with a child. the writing was good and the story was compelling enough, that i felt interested in finding out what happened. i felt like the pictures were random, but I don’t think this book was geared towards an adult woman.

should you read it? yeah, especially with a kid.

 the absolutely true diary of a part-time indian

by sherman alexie

here’s the gist: a teenage native american boy feels like he is trapped on his reservation. so he decides to go to the white high school to get a better education. the white kids don’t like him because white kids are jerks and the indian kids don’t like him because he is a traitor. some other bad things happen to him too, but he has a crazy sense of humor, so it’s not totally depressing.

here’s my opinion, if i may: i liked this book, overall. i think it is semi-biographical and it was definitely an interesting look at native american culture. i will warn you now, that it had some offensive language and junk… it is written from the perspective of a teenage boy, so there’s that. this book also has pictures… like some funny cartoons.

should you read it? yes, unless you think teenage boys are the grossest, then no. 

 the night circus

by erin morgenstern

here’s the gist: there is this super incredible traveling circus that people just love because it is so magical, and it is only open at night. the circus is secretly a platform for two dueling illusionists who have been competing since forever. the illusionists are also in love with each other and they do real magic… not just illusions. also, there is another side story with these twins that were born in the circus and this farm boy.

here’s my opinion, if i may: okay! a lot of things! the story jumps back and forth from periods of time to locations to story lines. in general, I don’t like that. it bugs me when you start to get into a good part and it suddenly transitions to some other part of the story… and you are like, “wait? what? i don’t care about this stuff right now… what happened to that other guy?” this story also claims to be this intense, tragic love story (the dust jacket says so), but the love story starts ¾ into the book and is barely touched on. in general, i feel many of the characters and story aspects weren’t developed enough and it made me feel less connected with everything. it’s too bad because the actual idea is really good and it could have been a really good book, but ended up just being okay.

should you read it? maybe… you might not be disappointed, but probably you kind of will be. 

 witch & wizard

by james patterson

here’s the gist: a teenage brother and sister are put in jail because the country has been taken over by i don’t know… a communist type government and they don’t like magic one bit. it’s crazy though because the brother and sister didn’t know they were magic because their parents never told them! oh geez. what are they to do? escape from jail with the help of a ghostie and find their parents before everybody gets executed.

here’s my opinion, if i may: so, how do i explain this? james patterson is clearly older. older in the way that he has no idea at all how young people speak, apparently. instead of researching this topic, or better yet, just writing as if it were two people, not two teenagers because really there isn’t that much of a difference, james patterson decided to make up his own ridiculous 70’s throwback lingo for the main characters. i could not get past it. so, yeah. the story was probably good, but who knows with all the cheese-ball inaccurate “teenage” speak flying off the pages, distracting you at every moment.

should you read it? i don’t know… it’s all copasetic, man. groovy.

crazy love

by: francis chan

here’s the gist: this is a christian book all about god’s big crazy overwhelming love for us and how we should be living our lives in accordance with the bible and stop being “lukewarm” christians. all or nothing, baby.

here’s my opinion, if i may: this book was preachy. it is a make you feel guilty about how you are not doing enough with your life book and that makes me feel annoyed. i won’t be pressured by francis chan… he isn’t the boss of me. it did inspire me to read the bible more. and there were some interesting stats (although i am always leery of stats… they are often flat out lies… read freakonomics, then you can be skeptical of everything like me).

should you read it? if you like being preached at… and if you are already a devout christian.